So, I always use to get on people about not posting belly picture updates and now... look at me... I haven't posted one yet and we're 15 weeks! My apologies. But, the bigger issue here is my mind and my heart accepting that I am pregnant.
I am so thankful for this little blessing growing inside me, but I'm paranoid. Everything I feel, everything I do... I worry that something may be wrong with this pregnancy and I can't do anything about it. I am constantly "googling" things in an effort to not make a mistake.
Here's a few things that cycle through my mind on any any given day:
1. If I eat this, will it harm the baby?
2. Why did I let myself get so out of shape before I got pregnant?
3. I never thought I'd be this weight when I got pregnant and now I can't change it.
4. I'm so afraid to get in a good workout for fear of harming the baby (just zumba and walking).
5. What did I do last time to cause the miscarriage? Could it happen now?
6. Yes, every time I go to the bathroom, I have a fear I will be bleeding.
7. I compare myself to others that are expecting and how they look/act.
8. I had a hard time saying "thank you" when people wished me a happy Mother's Day for fear I wasn't really a mother yet.
9. I really want some way to know if the baby is okay, another ultrasound/peak into my womb.
10. I watch TV shows and read blogs and think that may baby might have some rare disability that I caused somehow without knowing.
11. I had hoped to be younger having my first child.
12. Will we have a hard time conceiving again? (we would love to have 3-4 kids)
And on and on and on...
I pray daily that the Lord is protecting me and the baby inside me and that he would spare us from any harm. I also pray that I would release this fear and anxiety and be able to feel beautiful and enjoy the next 5 months. I so badly want to be able to look into the future to see our little one safe and healthy in my arms in November... but I can't. I deeply desire to be the joyful, care free "Kim" and not over analyze everything that goes through my mind.
Sorry, I had to write this out. Maybe this is a way of releasing it to the Lord and abandoning outcomes, maybe it is just another way to help me clear my mind. God is good and babies are a miracle. I guess I still am having a hard time believing I am with child after our first complication. There are many women that go years without success in pregnancy and I pray sincerely that they will be filled with hope.
Thanks again for your prayers and encouragement! We are overwhelmed at the love and excitement from family and friends about our announcement. Please continue to think of us and that I would be able to relax and stop worrying... thanks ya'll.