Monday, May 14, 2012

You make beautiful things: Acceptance

So, I always use to get on people about not posting belly picture updates and now... look at me... I haven't posted one yet and we're 15 weeks!  My apologies.  But, the bigger issue here is my mind and my heart accepting that I am pregnant.

I am so thankful for this little blessing growing inside me, but I'm paranoid.  Everything I feel, everything I do... I worry that something may be wrong with this pregnancy and I can't do anything about it. I am constantly "googling" things in an effort to not make a mistake.

Here's a few things that cycle through my mind on any any given day:
1. If I eat this, will it harm the baby?
2. Why did I let myself get so out of shape before I got pregnant?
3. I never thought I'd be this weight when I got pregnant and now I can't change it.
4. I'm so afraid to get in a good workout for fear of harming the baby (just zumba and walking).
5. What did I do last time to cause the miscarriage? Could it happen now?
6. Yes, every time I go to the bathroom, I have a fear I will be bleeding.
7. I compare myself to others that are expecting and how they look/act.
8. I had a hard time saying "thank you" when people wished me a happy Mother's Day for fear I wasn't really a mother yet.
9. I really want some way to know if the baby is okay, another ultrasound/peak into my womb.
10. I watch TV shows and read blogs and think that may baby might have some rare disability that I caused somehow without knowing.
11. I had hoped to be younger having my first child.
12. Will we have a hard time conceiving again? (we would love to have 3-4 kids)

And on and on and on...

I pray daily that the Lord is protecting me and the baby inside me and that he would spare us from any harm.  I also pray that I would release this fear and anxiety and be able to feel beautiful and enjoy the next 5 months.  I so badly want to be able to look into the future to see our little one safe and healthy in my arms in November... but I can't.  I deeply desire to be the joyful, care free "Kim" and not over analyze everything that goes through my mind.

Sorry, I had to write this out.  Maybe this is a way of releasing it to the Lord and abandoning outcomes, maybe it is just another way to help me clear my mind.  God is good and babies are a miracle.  I guess I still am having a hard time believing I am with child after our first complication.  There are many women that go years without success in pregnancy and I pray sincerely that they will be filled with hope.  

Thanks again for your prayers and encouragement! We are overwhelmed at the love and excitement from family and friends about our announcement.  Please continue to think of us and that I would be able to relax and stop worrying... thanks ya'll.


  1. Sweet Kim. You are NOT alone. I had the exact same feelings both times but especially when I got pregnant with Owen. We miscarried when I was 18 and I guess I had just turned 21 when I got pregnant with O. I had CONSTANT worries. I would leave the doctor and wonder, "oh, did that sneeze cause the baby to detach from my uterus." Or, "what if something has happened already" when 30 minutes earlier we were looking at the ultrasound screen at our perfectly healthy baby. And yes, every time I went to the bathroom, I was halfway expecting to see blood.

    I will tell you, the fears continued with Peyton but not as bad. And once you can feel those flutters, your heart will be reassured daily. That was my safety net you could say.. feeling that baby kick and move. Such a cool cool feeling. That's definitely the one thing I miss about being pregnant. But knowing that your baby is moving inside you, calms fears.

    I'll be praying for you girl. I just wanted to let you know that those feelings happen and you're not alone.


  2. Hey Kim,
    I've been reading your blog, and I am a worrier too... So i totally understand how you must be feeling. I have not been in your shoes, and I'm sure you have heard this, but the best thing you can do is find a way to relax, be calm, and stop worrying! Your baby needs to grow in an environment that is peaceful and calm. take a deep breath and relax, for your baby. Think positive and pray and thank the Lord for his timing and his plan. Enjoy the gift we have been given as women! Best of luck!

  3. Thank you so much Lauren and Krista! You guys are so sweet and I am sincerely thankful for your words of encouragement :)

  4. Kim, sweet girl. You are correct to write this out, get rid of those fears, and give them to the Lord. I will add my prayers for you to be healthy, stress-free, and filled with nothing but joy! I want to see you at winter CHA with Little Baby Barrett at your side! HUGS!

  5. Kim, I so appreciate your honesty. I am praying that God will deliver you from this fear (Psalm 34).

  6. Thank you so much Cristina, you are very kind to think and pray for us :) Hope you're doing well!