Okay, I've debated and debated about writing this, but I finally realized, like most things, that once I get it off my chest and surrender it to the Lord, it helps me move on.
Today, no this week, I feel like my "boss" is telling me I'm in the wrong profession. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE working the morning and being at home with Brooke for the rest of the day, but apparently I suck at it. At daycare, they consistently get her to take at least an hour nap in the morning... I get maybe 40 minutes from her and then that ruins any chance of a good afternoon nap. Yes, I know she has been sick, but when I'm sick, I want to sleep. Either Brooke loves me sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much she just can't bear to close her eyes, or I'm terrible at reading her sleepy cues and screwing her of a good nap in the morning and afternoon.
Oh yes, and did I mention I've somehow messed up the whole night time sleep thing too? haha yeah regardless of the time I put Brooke down at night, she wakes up at 5:30 on.the.dot. Okay, almost on the dot. So lets recap. Around 10 hours of sleep at night and maybe 2 hours naps during the day = 12 hours total. MOST other people have their children sleeping 12 hours at night and 3-4 hours during the day = 15.5 hours. And it's not that she's playing in her crib, so she's fussing and crying and won't rest. Then I try to get her to sleep in my arms, and she just wants to play with my face and make me laugh. UGH. SO either Brooke just doesn't need a lot of sleep or I am clueless on how to get my child the proper amount of sleep.
My house is a mess, I haven't plucked my eyebrows in who knows when, and I honestly feel like anyone else could fix this sleep issue but for some reason, not me. Yes. I am whining and complaining because I feel like a bad mom. I am hardly contributing financially and our precious child's schedule is so inconsistent, I feel like I messed up some how. Yes, she can walk, smiles and plays all day, can say 10-15 words, but when it comes to sleeping, I missed the memo and am doing something wrong. I've given up on reading articles/blogs and books on sleep. Been there, done that... none of it works for me.
And yes, she is napping now. It only took me an hour and 15 minutes, a diaper change, busting out the bottles that were stored away, thawing expressed milk, holding her til she was almost asleep and then sitting with my hand on her back until she was all of the way asleep. And I'm guessing it will only be a 30 minute nap. Mommy fail.
With all that said, Lord, help me to be a better child. Help me to listen to you and seek your peace, patience and wisdom. Allow me to see where I need to adjust things in my life to be a better Mom and Wife and create more harmony in my home. God, please take away the doubt that is in my mind right now and the terrible feeling I have that I am worthless at raising our child. Reveal to me, if it is your will what Brooke needs or what I need to do to make nap time less of a battle and get the proper amount of sleep for this child. God I love you, especially because you hear my silly prayer and smile. You are full of patience and remind me daily that I am not in control. Amen.