Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Sounds Like Life To Me: Miscarriage #2

Yep.  January 24th I had a positive pregnancy test.  Ever since Brooke was born we hadn't "prevented" getting pregnant, but nothing was happening. Yes, I nursed her until she was 13 months old but everything seemed to be working correctly.  haha anyways, long story short, I had a positive pregnancy test, found out according to my calculations I was 5-6 weeks along and we were not really excited.

With my first pregnancy, blighted ovum/miscarriage it has really jaded me and taken most of the joy out of seeing a positive pregnancy test.  I ALWAYS consider it false.  Well, the whole time I was pregnant with Brooke, I checked to see if I was bleeding each time I went to the bathroom.  It wasn't until she was in my arms that I believed I actually was with child.

So a few days went on and Monday, February 3rd rolled around and I started spotting.  I went to the Dr. they did a pregnancy test, congratulated me because it was positive and sent me home with a big packet of information.  Little did I know I would be back in the doctors office EVERYDAY that week with one thing or another.  I started BLEEDING Tuesday, and it continued and is still with me.  I was an exhausted human pin cushion who was being poked and prodded and I still didn't feel sad like last time.  I'm not sure what it was.  Oh yes, and I  had a strep like virus that required antibiotics and a reoccurring fever over 101.  It was a tough week.

I guess the word I keep thinking is "frustrated." I was frustrated with God because everyone else is having more kids, and I want more kids, though I can barely handle the one I have some days, frustrated that my body tricked me AGAIN that it was pregnant and it really wasn't.  Frustrated at the time I spent going back and forth to the doctor.  Frustrated that I slept poorly and was always cold.  Frustrated that I had to tote my child with me to doctors visits.  Frustrated that I wasn't going to be able to "spend time" with my husband until the pregnancy left my body.  Frustrated that I was now going to have my paperwork say "3 pregnancies and 1 birth".  Frustrated that I was sick and having a miscarriage and that my daughter wouldn't let me rest and life wouldn't stand still and laundry wouldn't clean itself and dinner wasn't always good or even ready on time.  It was just a terrible, horrible, no good very bad week!

All that to say,  I was frustrated but it was all silly, worthless things to be frustrated at and I got over it all very quickly.  I wish I could say it was because the Holy Spirit got a hold of me and reminded me that God is in control and that everything was going to be okay.  Yes, that was part of it.  The other part was looking down, holding, laughing at, and looking in the mirror at my mini-me, Brooke.  Yep, I remember, I had a miscarriage once, then I had a flawless pregnancy and labor and now a child.  Life goes on.  Also, the statistics of the amount of women who have miscarriages is still shocking to me.  So I deem it as "normal" now for me.  So I can get over it and get on with life easier.

One song that I heard that really spoke to me after an appointment was this, Worn, by Tenth Avenue North.
Tenth Avenue North - Worn (Official Music Video) from tenth-avenue-north on GodTube.

Charles asked me one time, "Kim, when do you feel God.  I responded quickly because I knew the answer so tenderly... "when I hold Brooke."  We normally lay Brooke down at night and let her fuss until she falls asleep.  But some days, some nights, I just hold her.  She's all worked up but suddenly melts into my arms and chest and is silent, and still.  She is peaceful in my arms and she knows she can rest in my protection.  One night last week I did just that.  Selfishly, I needed to feel God.  I needed His warmth around me, I needed his peace and simplicity to cover all of my frustration and sadness and heal me.  So I entered Brooke's room as she was fussing herself to sleep, picked her up and sunk deep into God's love.  The image I have is God holding me, just has I held my child.  He is my peace, my comfort and my place I go to when life's just too much.  He reminds me to be still.

So that's the update on our life right now.  We pray with open arms and hearts.  I write posts like this for me.  I need them.  They help me with closure and healing.  We are surrendering our wills and laying down our desires and seeking God's will to be done in our lives.