Yep. January 24th I had a positive pregnancy test. Ever since Brooke was born we hadn't "prevented" getting pregnant, but nothing was happening. Yes, I nursed her until she was 13 months old but everything seemed to be working correctly. haha anyways, long story short, I had a positive pregnancy test, found out according to my calculations I was 5-6 weeks along and we were not really excited.
With my first pregnancy, blighted ovum/miscarriage it has really jaded me and taken most of the joy out of seeing a positive pregnancy test. I ALWAYS consider it false. Well, the whole time I was pregnant with Brooke, I checked to see if I was bleeding each time I went to the bathroom. It wasn't until she was in my arms that I believed I actually was with child.
So a few days went on and Monday, February 3rd rolled around and I started spotting. I went to the Dr. they did a pregnancy test, congratulated me because it was positive and sent me home with a big packet of information. Little did I know I would be back in the doctors office EVERYDAY that week with one thing or another. I started BLEEDING Tuesday, and it continued and is still with me. I was an exhausted human pin cushion who was being poked and prodded and I still didn't feel sad like last time. I'm not sure what it was. Oh yes, and I had a strep like virus that required antibiotics and a reoccurring fever over 101. It was a tough week.
I guess the word I keep thinking is "frustrated." I was frustrated with God because everyone else is having more kids, and I want more kids, though I can barely handle the one I have some days, frustrated that my body tricked me AGAIN that it was pregnant and it really wasn't. Frustrated at the time I spent going back and forth to the doctor. Frustrated that I slept poorly and was always cold. Frustrated that I had to tote my child with me to doctors visits. Frustrated that I wasn't going to be able to "spend time" with my husband until the pregnancy left my body. Frustrated that I was now going to have my paperwork say "3 pregnancies and 1 birth". Frustrated that I was sick and having a miscarriage and that my daughter wouldn't let me rest and life wouldn't stand still and laundry wouldn't clean itself and dinner wasn't always good or even ready on time. It was just a terrible, horrible, no good very bad week!
All that to say, I was frustrated but it was all silly, worthless things to be frustrated at and I got over it all very quickly. I wish I could say it was because the Holy Spirit got a hold of me and reminded me that God is in control and that everything was going to be okay. Yes, that was part of it. The other part was looking down, holding, laughing at, and looking in the mirror at my mini-me, Brooke. Yep, I remember, I had a miscarriage once, then I had a flawless pregnancy and labor and now a child. Life goes on. Also, the statistics of the amount of women who have miscarriages is still shocking to me. So I deem it as "normal" now for me. So I can get over it and get on with life easier.
One song that I heard that really spoke to me after an appointment was this, Worn, by Tenth Avenue North.
Tenth Avenue North - Worn (Official Music Video) from tenth-avenue-north on GodTube.
Charles asked me one time, "Kim, when do you feel God. I responded quickly because I knew the answer so tenderly... "when I hold Brooke." We normally lay Brooke down at night and let her fuss until she falls asleep. But some days, some nights, I just hold her. She's all worked up but suddenly melts into my arms and chest and is silent, and still. She is peaceful in my arms and she knows she can rest in my protection. One night last week I did just that. Selfishly, I needed to feel God. I needed His warmth around me, I needed his peace and simplicity to cover all of my frustration and sadness and heal me. So I entered Brooke's room as she was fussing herself to sleep, picked her up and sunk deep into God's love. The image I have is God holding me, just has I held my child. He is my peace, my comfort and my place I go to when life's just too much. He reminds me to be still.
So that's the update on our life right now. We pray with open arms and hearts. I write posts like this for me. I need them. They help me with closure and healing. We are surrendering our wills and laying down our desires and seeking God's will to be done in our lives.
That is so tough. I know all to well the fears that come along with a pregnancy after a miscarriage (checking the underwear, etc.). I pray when the time comes for you to have another that you will find joy all during the pregnancy and not allow that to be stolen from you. It is so hard to think positively because you are constantly trying to hold up the guard you've built around your heart so it doesn't break if (or, in your mind, "when") you hear the news that it's not going to happen. You're right though. Oddly, the statistics are slightly comforting. You know how many women have had miscarriages, and you realize that babies are still being born every day, so something is working out regardless. It's not as if you personally have a target on your head (though it feels that way if you've been through it even once), so pregnancy does not always equal future miscarriage. Pregnancy can equal future baby--it once equaled Brooke for you, and it equaled Eli for me. True miracles! I know the release you can get from writing about it too, as you said, and that's probably part of the reason I'm writing this long message on your blog. It brings closure, and it helps you sort through your thoughts. I still think about my future pregnancies with 10% joy and 90% fear/anticipation/concern/statistics. But as we both found out, if our first pregnancies had come to fruition, our second pregnancies (our miracles) never would have happened. No doubt you wouldn't trade Brooke for the world just as I wouldn't trade Eli. Maybe this baby also bowed out to make way for an even greater purpose that God only knows right now. Thanks again to you for your encouraging words when I was going through my miscarriage. It was good to hear from someone who was on the "other side" of it! Prayers for you and Charles!
ReplyDelete*all too well
Deletelove you kimmy! praying for comfort and peace in spite of frustration and sadness. i'm so thankful for your steadfast faith--what an encouragement to me!
ReplyDeleteThis brought tears to my eyes. You are an amazingly strong woman, and I truly look up to you. We don't always know why, but everything happens for a reason. God's plan is so incredible and bigger than we could ever imagine. You are blessed with your Rainbow baby, Brooke, and I have so much faith that He will bless y'all again <3 Stay strong, friend. He IS holding you <3
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing! It seems like miscarriage is such a hush hush topic and no one really talks about it. It's nice to see you be open about the fears and emotions of this life event.
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