Weekend Warriors: Terrible, horrible, no good VERY BAD day :(

Wow... How do I even being this post?! Okay starting out, a little warning... this is my blog and I have a right to share personal information on here... This is my blog and I am choosing to write something very personal, an account of probably one of the worst days of my entire life. I am not doing this for pity, or out of anger with the Lord; I am doing this so I can personally keep an account of a major struggle we went through and hopefully encourage others if they have been through (or will go through) something similar. I pray this on NO ONE... Let me tell you this in advance, this is terrible, and terrible things happen to all of us, through these trials we are strengthened. Eventhough it has only been about 24 hours, I am releasing the outcomes to God and I have full faith he will restore me and my husband and will allow us to be ever so blessed in the future.  All that aside ... let me begin.

On July 23, 2011 I stopped taking my BC, Charles and I were ready to start a family!  We prayed, and prayed and prayed many many times that God would be incontrol of the whole process and eventually give us a happy, healthy baby.  After being off the pill for a month and successfully having a visit from "Aunt Flo" we began "trying" hahaha yeah that's how i'm going to put it, that was August 22,2011.  On September 23, I was "late" and said "well maybe I should take a test... and I did, and it popped up PREGNANT! To my shock and amazement I woke up Charles and proceeded to test about 5 more times within the following week.  WE WERE OVERJOYED !!! This was the perfect time for us and we truly felt blessed for such a short time trying and such great results.

Waking Charles up and telling him the "good news"

tear stained eyes ... SO EXCITED

Clear as day ... Pregnant

After taking another test a few days later, and better dressed.

Alright ... on with the story.  So we calculated the baby would be born on May 28, 2011. Once again PERFECT ! Both mother in laws are school teachers and they would be able to spend some time helping, and this is a "slower time" for work for both of us.  We scheduled an 8 week appt with an OB and went on our marry way.  By marry way I mean, reading, studying, planning for life ... with a baby.  We look a few pictures "of before and we had a spot all picked out for weekly belly pictures".  I had started eating differently (i.e. no sandwich meat, watch the fish I ate, pack in the calcium and iron and take prenatal vitamins).  I had no doubt in my mind I was pregnant, even my body was showing and growing.  My boobs were sore and growing by the day, I had to buy a new bra to keep up with them.  I never felt any kind of morning sickness but I did tons of research and consulted many friends, family members and Drs and they said "you're blessed" only about half of women have bad sickness, be thankful and knock on wood.

Next we had our 8 week appt, they took blood, did a urine test, and a pelvic exam.  Our insurance is a crazy high deductible and then the ins. co. pays 100%  Also, they only cover one ultrasound at 18 weeks to check developement and the sex.  A lot of my friends, okay almost ALL of my friends are pregnant or have young babies, I so dearly wanted that first ultrasound to see a little tiny creature, but our insurance didn't cover it and the OB said ... you're perfectly healthy and you only need one ultrasound during your whole pregnancy... unless there are complications.  Charles and I left the Dr. office, happy as could be, we were doing great and couldn't wait for the 12 week appt.

Well, here comes the kink in the plans. On Saturday 11/6/11 we were at the NCSU vs UNC football game and I noticed a little "spotting"... didn't think much of it because we were having an AMAZING time and my team NCSU won.  Side note, this was the highlight of the "weekend", thus why I put weekend warriors because, well, it was the longest weekend ever, eventhough the worst part happend on monday.

Okay so Sunday, we went out to eat after church and I noticed a little more spotting, went home, called the OB and they said "ohhhh it should be nothing but come on in first thing monday and we'll check you out."  Sunday night, we have life group with a sweet sweet group of friends.  We have started to discuss prayer, and we were going to do a year long challenge where each person lifts up one, HUGE prayer request that only God could answer... and I mean we're talkin' huge! I'm a little prayer girl and always come to the group eager with something to share, but I knew we were trying not to focus on the little requests, so I said "okay guys, we need your help, this is a quick, but insanely important request we really need your help with".  We told the team I had a little spotting (aka light light bleeding) and bleeding and baby are never a good sign. Our team of amazing friends laid hands on me and prayed their hearts out... for a heart beat.  I have a uterus that's tilted towards my back (so does my mom and sis) and the Dr. always uses that as an "excuse" oh yeah, we won't be able to hear a heart beat until later because of that, you're fine... blah blah blah.  So our prayer was to go in, do a simple dopler heart beat monitor, hear the heart beat and go on with our days.  Leaving life group, we were exhausted and nervous for the appointment to come, but, we were hopeful that we served an amazing God who had a perfect little creation inside me.

On to Monday morning at the OB's office.  Still feeling fine and only minimal spotting (all of this was only when I wiped) no aches, pains, cramping etc.  They took us in and said ... "okay, everything looks great! We'll get the doppler out, find a heart beat and go from there." Cold, and nervous they squirted the jelly on my belly and began.  With my eyes closed and hand clenched around Charles' I prayed and prayed "Lord, give us a heart beat, a strong, strong heart beat. Put our minds and hearts at ease and get us out of here!" Well, the midwife said... "yeahhh probably that uterus" no worries, we'll getcha an ultrasound!"  She had us wait in the waiting room where I began crying... remember, we had prayed for a heartbeat. We wanted God to show us that first thing so we would have our minds at ease... ultrasound was next, and almost last resort.

They then brought us back to this dark, cold, purple room. I immediately began shaking uncontrollably. Charles tried his best to calm me... wow, what a champ! Seriously, praise the Lord for my amazing husband who took time off work, and missed an important staff meeting to be by my side.  They did a pelvic ultrasound and ... you guessed it "man that uterus really is tilted back, are you sure of the date of your last period?" yes, yes and yes to all... woman get along with it.  She finally found something of interest, a gestational sac, yes, that's where the fetus grows. She said we needed to do a different ultrasound to get a closer look.  By this point, I was in tears, full out shock. I had seen many friends ultrasounds and some online and I knew something was wrong.  She then said, "let me go get the Dr. and we'll have him do a transvaginal ultrasound and we'll get this figured out." Okay, that's a little, I mean BIG wand they stick up your lady part to get the closest look.  The Dr. was there, the probe was in, the sac was there ... but it was black, there was a gestational sac and no baby or fetal pole. Empty. A black oval where a tiny little plum size 11 week old baby should have been. I literally felt like my heart was ripped straight out of my chest. The shock, awe, and extreme anger of praying SOOOOOOOOO hard for a little heart beat and not even seeing a fetus, took the breath out of me.

this is not my picture, they didn't give us one but this is what it looked like.

This is what an 11 week ultrasound should look like.

Blighted Ovum ... two words no woman EVER wants to hear.  Seriously, just click on the link or google it to read about it.  Basically, the egg is fertilized, and implants and your body is pregnant, and at some point ... it simply detaches and your body continues to think it's pregnant until it realizes it's not.  I got dressed and we headed in to talk to the Dr. A miscarriage.  An "oops". A medical mystery.  Questions filled the room as Charles and I tried to understand what we did wrong and how we can prevent this :
 
1. what did we do?
2. is this our fault?
3. will this happen again?
4. was there ever a baby?
5. was I ever pregnant?
6. why didn't you guys catch this?
7. is this common?
 
1. we did nothing wrong
2. not our fault
3. hopefully not
4. yes, just cells though that sometime reabsorbed into the body
5. yes, and your body will still think it is until it realizes it's not and rejects the gestational sac.
6. we couldn't have caught this much earlier and there's not much we can do now
7. yes, sadly it is.  Over 30% of pregnancies end in miscarriage and 50% of those are blighted ovums.
 
None of these were "GOOD" answers to me. Enraged and frustrated we asked "well, what's next!?" Either a D&C (a surgical procedure where they put you under anethesia for an hour, dialate you and suck everything out, medicine to help move it out, let it come out naturally.   I wanted closer as soon as possible and the Dr. suggested we go ahead and prep for a D&C tomorrow, but, that we could always change our minds. I kept apologizing to Charles, asking him "I hope you still love me and want me as your wife, I hope I can have babies in the future, I'm so sorry I ruined everything, I am so sorry and I don't know what do to."  I was sooo excited to finally be a mom, seriously being a mom is one of my hearts greatest desires, and it was ripped right out of my hands. I felt empty, rejected, and less than perfect. I questioned God, why he did this to me. Why he created something so terrible that would make you and your body pregnant, but there was no baby inside.  I questioned him and why he didn't alert me and a more substantial way... I was so upset that this was happening to us.  I would have rather still been trying to get pregant and not have "failed" and had to wait, and start over, already blemished and torn.
 
As we walked next door to the Surgicenter, I felt defeated, I was so embarassed and wanted to wear a shirt saying "failure to concieve" so everyone could see it and I didn't have to tell my story.  At the surgericenter ... I felt terribly out of place, people coming in and out like no big deal, getting a tumor removed, or a toe fixed, but me... I felt like I was going to an abortion clinic.  Not that there was anything I was doing that was causing an abortion, I just felt like this "quick, easy, and expensive way" that my Dr. suggested to get quick closer and get on with my life was not the right answer for me.  Charles and I kept it as an option. Once we left, we continued to make phone calls and consult family, friends and Dr. on what to do next.  We kept saying... "why us!?" why in the world did God decide this path for us, we were upset and frustrated.  Once we notified my work of this, my boss brought me my laptop and wished us well.  The overwhelming support from family, friends and the amazing scripture shared was so comforting, and still is. Once again guys, this is still very fresh on my mind and I am still in a battle here. We appreciate all the prayers we can get!
 
So, we then went together home to get comfy and headed out... out to our favorite spot at Emerald Isle, NC to clear our minds and try to figure out what's next.  By this point, we had spoken to an amazing friend who is specializing in family practice and becoming a Dr. basically he said, he doesn't perform D&C's and he would suggest letting it all pass naturally.  Not to get too graphic here but, we're talkin, major cramping, lots of blood and tissue and that 11 week gestational sac (eventhough the Dr. said mine looked smaller)  Wow, really, so now I am a ticking time bomb of blood that could explode at anytime.  Is this what we want? Do I want to seriously deal with this?  Once again, our friend said, I truly believe God created our bodies to do what they needed to do when they needed to do it.  He then gave me some warning signs and said if any of that occured, we did need to get medical help. 
 
At this point, I had heard from many friends and found out that a miscarriage is very very common.  Hey, will you look at, I am in a club, the miscarriage club! No, it wasn't the one I wanted to be in, my any means, especially when I see friends and family members glowing with joy over their new pregnancy or baby, it makes me feel like ... a reject, someone who's just not quite right.  I know I shouldn't feel this way and I do know God has made me perfect in his image, but it's really hard to feel whole, and complete as a person, and especially a woman when something like this occurs.
 
Charles, you know, husband of all husbands was amazing ... and blunt. As we spent the afternoon looking at the ocean and seeing how big and amazing God was and spending time alone from "life" together he said "You know what Kim, today was rough, but atleast we had a great weekend and NC State beat Carolina! (I immediately started to laugh)  I had no idea this would happen to us.  I am upset, but at the same time, we're fine. We're going to make it through this and have many many healthy babies in the future.  I know you're strong and I think it's best for us to let you pass this miscarriage naturally and rely on the Lord for what's to come next." In fewer words he said "snap out of it Kim! Stop feeling pity for yourself or that you're less than a woman, you're my wife, the love of my life that God created perfectly and we're going to get through this!"
 

WOW, exactly what I needed to hear... We're fine! Even though there's not a baby inside me and even though the next few days/weeks are going to be Hell (trying to naturally pass whatever is inside me), we are going to make it through this and God is good and he will continue to look after us and our well being and he is going to bless us with a child one day.  So for now, I will be grateful for today, and the next day. I will learn and grow and seek knowledge and strength from the Lord. I will rely on my husband to help me through the hard times and I will  be happy for those who are blessed with children. 

Here I am, 11/6/11 overjoyed with life and the hopes of being a mother.

I didn't take any pictures yesterday... I didn't want to. Personally, I wish yesterday never happened.  Last night I was awoken with the words "miscarriage, blighted ovum, failure, worthless" floating through my mind. Satan wants a victory, but I cannot give it to him.  As I sit here in tears, fearful of the next few days, weeks and months, I rejoice.  I have an amazing life, I have true hope and a lasting salvation in the one and only God and I will be grateful for whatever comes my way.  I do hope that this will help someone, that they can see that it's okay to have this happen, you will survive. Eventhough you feel like your whole world is coming to an end, you're not alone.  Also, I am going to follow up and write a post once I have passed this pregnancy inside me, I want others to know the route I chose and hopefully help them in the future.

What I ask now is for your prayers.  We are fine, but we're hurting.  Please pray that my body rids itself peacefully and with minimal pain, pray for NO infections and a full healing. Also pray that we will know when to seek medical help. Pray that my body will then get back to it's normal cycle and that we can begin trying to make a baby.  Pray that these scars, that are now on my mind and heart, will be erased and I will go at this with reckless abandon knowing full well that God is with me, not against me.  Thank you again for your support and love.

Romans 5:3-4 Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope..."
 
Isaiah 41:10  So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
 
Psalm 46:1 God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.
 
Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and he will make straight your path.
 
Philippians 4:6-7  Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus